"I Don't Have Bad Emotions," She Says
"I feel okay when anything happens."
I remember witnessing an interesting observation while facilitating a mindfulness session last year for a group of elderly. They were mostly retirees who would gather as a community once or twice a month to learn something new.
I introduced “mindfulness of emotions” as the theme of the month, and invited everyone to name the various emotions they would most often experience when they were feeling stressed or going through a difficult time.
As the group took turns sharing, I wrote their contributions on the white board:
Anger. Sadness. Frustration. Disappointment. Resentment. Jealousy. Anxiety... The responses came rather quickly.
There was this lady in the group called Yani, whom I knew was the primary caregiver to her sick husband. When it came to her turn, she remained quiet for a while, seemingly at a loss for words.
I waited patiently.
After a minute, she shook her head and said, “I don’t have bad emotions.”
“What about when you are stressed?” I asked.
Again she shook her head. “I’ve never had any bad emotions,” she affirmed. “I feel okay when anything happens.”
“Well, what difficulties do you face when you are taking care of your husband?” I inquired.
“Oh, he’s so stubborn!” She exclaimed. “He always makes things difficult for me. When he loses his temper, I would feel so angry and ignore him for the whole day.”
I gently pointed out that “feeling angry” was perhaps an emotion she had experienced then.
She appeared to be a little taken aback by what seemed to be new information to her.
“But I don’t have bad emotions”, she insisted. “He is the one who made me feel this way. It’s him, it’s not me.”
Upon probing further at a private conversation, I realised why Yani might have believed she didn’t feel anger, or any other negative emotions.
The first clue was how she readily identified certain emotions as “bad”.
She had been conditioned - perhaps through her upbringing or culture - to believe that feeling negative emotions - in particular anger, frustration, and resentment - was a bad and unacceptable thing.
On the other hand, positive emotions such as happiness, optimism, and calmness were celebrated as “the good ones” she should be feeling more often, or even all the time.
There was perhaps underlying shame or guilt about feeling anger towards her husband, for whom she “should” be feeling only love and compassion.
So in trying to rationalise (and consequently denying) the presence of negative emotions, Yani concluded that the anger she experienced was not an emotion she had invited for herself, but rather, an emotion that her instigator must have imposed on her. `
With all the studies and research done on emotional intelligence and emotional wellbeing, today we have a better idea of how important it is to recognise and accept emotions as a normal part of the human experience.
Negative emotions in particular can feel extremely unpleasant and prove to be difficult to work with. When negative emotions persist, they are potentially disruptive to our lives.
And when it comes to managing negative emotions, we tend to operate between two rather extreme coping strategies - either acting out, or suppressing what we feel.
From the mindfulness perspective, neither of these strategies are particularly skillful.
Acting out, usually through reactive outbursts or impulsive actions, brings destructive consequences such as regret and reciprocal reactivity.
The repercussions of ignoring and denying our emotions include unnecessary dwelling and unhealthy escape routes, which pose serious risks on both our mental and physical health.
What then should we do about these negative emotions that we cannot avoid experiencing?
Perhaps we need to first question whether there is a need to “do” anything about these emotions in the first place, and explore how we can “be” with them instead.
The practice of mindfulness offers a somewhat radically different approach to managing our emotions.
Here is the low-down on how we can practice being mindful of emotions. And the framework goes beyond just self-awareness.
1.
Start turning inwards.
This first step sounds really simple, but in reality can be quite difficult to follow through.
When it comes to allocating our attention, we can be more generous than needed with the external world and its myriad of stimulants, and way too stingy with ourselves.
We are so used to having our attention pulled away and drawn towards what’s outside of us, that we don’t have much left for our internal landscape.
Being mindful of emotions means that we must first and foremost be willing to award more attention to the emotions that are present within us, rather than instinctively run away from them.
And because negative emotions are an internal experience, we must learn to let go of external distractions and fold our attention inwards, no matter how daunting or dreadful it may feel at the beginning.
2.
Offer some space.
We then step back in the awareness of our present moment experience, and hold space for the emotions that are here.
This means knowing that we have the option to not do anything, and simply be with the emotions that show up in our internal landscape, from moment to moment.
We can also practice non-judgemental awareness, instead of immediately forming a judgement on an emotion as a “good” or “bad” one.
When a judgement is placed, we might tend to start developing stories about our experience, such as: I shouldn’t be feeling this way, or that person is making me feel bad, etc.
Non-judgemental awareness will help us hold space and stay mindfully curious towards an unpleas ant experience; with this, we can more easily step out of those inner narratives and allow emotions to arrive when they arrive, and be just as they are.
3.
Recognise their nature.
Once we learn to pause and “do nothing” when negative emotions arise, we will discover something quite remarkable.
When we leave emotions alone (instead of engaging with them or trying to get rid of them), we are able to observe just how fleeting and transient they are.
The saying “this too shall pass” doesn’t only apply to external events and circumstances. It applies to all phenomena in our internal experience too.
Emotions will arise along with an experience, and they may linger for some time, but eventually they all fade away. Practice seeing that this is the true nature of all emotions.
It then becomes clearer to us:
While it is inevitable that emotions are a part of the human experience, we are not our emotions.
Emotions don’t have to take up permanent residency in our mental space. They will stay only if we invite them to stay. (And yes, trying to get rid of emotions is just another way of extending their stay.)
4.
Discern their impact.
Observing our emotions non-judgementally doesn’t mean that we should become passive and disconnect from how we are feeling.
When we pay attention, we are in fact more connected with our emotions, and with the support of mindfulness, we also become more discerning towards how wholesome or unwholesome our emotions are.
We can examine the conditions leading to the arising of a negative emotion, and recognise how an emotion impacts us adversely. In other words, we investigate the cause and effect from allowing negative emotions to prolong or intensify.
With these insights, we might begin to understand that it is perhaps entirely up to us to determine the relationship we want to have with our emotions.
And with the skills of attention, we gain mastery over our emotions instead of allowing them to overwhelm or cripple us.
5.
Show yourself compassion.
Always invite gentleness and kindness to yourself as you practice being mindful of emotions.
Give yourself a pat on the back for not running away, and for being courageous enough to face those emotional experiences.
Accept moments of resistance and struggle as a part of the process, even when it feels really difficult to work with those emotions some times.
Remind yourself that no emotion is inherently “good” or “bad”; even the most unbearable feelings are meant to protect you from danger and pain.
As we round off this post, here’s some classic poetry for our contemplation:
by Rumi (translation by Coleman Barks)
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
Additional Resources
One podcast for practicing mindfulness of emotions:
Two articles you might wish to explore: